BigBoss: Do you have Executive's business card?
NewBigBoss_Asst: *scramble scramble through huge stack of cards Big Boss gave her*
Frau_D: Why do you need his card?
BigBoss: So that she knows his number. I want to call him.
Frau_D: We use the computer for that these days.
CE: Okay. I'm going to practice the phones with you.
NewGirlReceptionist (O.S): Company?
CE: (into phone) Hi, it's Blabla McBlabla for Big Boss.
NewGirlReceptionist (O.S): Uh.... could you.... repeat that?
CE: It's CE.
BigBoss: RUNNER! Time to go home.
Runner: It's too early.
BigBoss: What time do you want to go home?
BigBoss: (In my office) Bla bla bla. C'mon doggie, let's go find Runner and tell him to go home...
BigBoss: ... Runner left! He just drove past me in my car!
So sue me.
BigBoss: How come no one's ever sued Scott Rudin?
Frau_D: Because if you are an assistant, and you sue your boss, no one will ever hire you again.
BigBoss: That's true.
Frau_D: That's why you've never been sued.
BigBoss: That's not true. I treat everyone with love. OK I'm gonna go now, so you guys can get back to masturbating.
EVP simultaneously insults Frau D and Short Skirt...
EVP: You know, Short Skirt, Big Boss has been sending me all these emails telling me you are on fire, you are just killing it.
Short Skirt: That's great!
EVP: Yea, it's such an improvement from the beginning. That was rough.
Short Skirt: Rough? Why was it rough?
EVP: Oh, you know, your demeanor.
Short Skirt: My demeanor? What was wrong with demeanor?
EVP: I mean, you weren't even trained. Like at all. You were just put on the desk. Most people have like months of shadowing and training. (Frau D was hiding in her office fuming here.)
Potential Investor: Had you been an assistant before?
Short Skirt: Yes.
EVP: But not to Big Boss. He has his own set of idiosyncrasies.
To Hurricane *EDIT* TO TORNADO
*Edit* My bad guys! It isn’t ‘to hurricane’, it is ‘to tornado’ (V) The EVP and Art Director’s signature sex move, where they hold out their index and middle finger and make a swift, swirling motion, as with a hurricane tornado. Eg. Bro, I was hurricaning tordadoing this nugget at the club last night, … Nugget (N) A hot chick. Possibly derived from...
Big Boss: *Some kind of inappropriate comment*
Short Skirt: Gross, Big Boss.
Big Boss: What are you, Napoleon Bonaparte?
Short Skirt: Why?
Big Boss: Because of the way you said 'gross'.
FrauD: That's Napoleon Dynamite.
BigBoss: Do you know what a pink taco is?
FrauD: A vagina?
BigBoss: YES! Short skirt just told me. I never knew.
FrauD: How did you not know that?
BigBoss: No one told me.
FrauD: It's because your wife is black.
BigBoss: It's still pink.
WHEN I GET REAL WITH MYSELF
Compiled and Consolidated
In the ‘communication’ meeting earlier this week, it was announced that the company would be sending out a new weekly memo, where each person would write their highlights of the week and they would be consolidated into one memo to go out to everyone. CE and I did ours together, because we are one person, duh. Frau D: Just wondering who we should send our weekly update to to compile,...
Two Divas, One Office
Frau D: (Here is some context to this story. The Big Boss had a lunch with this tack-tacular but very rich lady, which overlapped into his meeting with Famous Actress who might be a has-been... To impress the first lady, he brings the famous lady into his office while she is still there...)
Not-famous-but-rich-kind-of-reality-star: Nice to meet you! Can I take a picture?
Famous-Maybe-Has-Been-Actress: I'd rather not.
Short Skirt: CE, do you have any recommendations on books about writing?
CE: Depends, what are you writing?
Short Skirt: I don't know. Like stories.
CE: But, to what end. Novels? Short stories? Blogs?
Short Skirt: I don't know. What do you write?
Short Skirt: I'm surprised no one has written a screenplay about words like 'totz' and 'totsies'.
CE: I mean. Characters talk like that on TV sometimes...
WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS WHERE I SEE MYSELF IN 10 YEARS
EVP, Had a great work out with NewMonkey. I think I wore him a bit out but I...– The Big Boss in an email to the EVP. You might remember that The Big Boss loves to ‘train’ people at the gym, and has offered to ‘train’ several professional body builders.
Apparently there’s going to be a communication meeting to discuss how the company can communicate more effectively. Naturally no one has communicated to anyone when the meeting will take place.
I see this as an HBO series along the lines of Game of Thrones– The Big Boss. Game of Thrones is the new black.
Comic Con Take Aways
This isn’t my first comic con, but here are some hot tips that I have collected over the years for you to keep in mind for next year. On Travel: - Taking the train is infinitely preferable to dealing with shitty traffic and expensive parking. Especially if you upgrade to business for guaranteed seating. - Splashing out on a fancy hotel room is the best $300 you should have spent once...
BigBoss: I want to do a specific development. With a memo.
FrauD: A specific development... meeting?
BigBoss: Yes. About our priorities. With a memo.
Devt Speak: Cloak-Wheel
Cloak-Wheel: Exposition disguised as a friendly discussion between characters. as in: His cloak-wheel dialogue isn’t very realistic. As you might be able to tell, CE and I made this up. Because I misheard the word ‘colloquial’ and thought he was using some kind of fancy devt speak. The definition might be a bit janky since we were trying to fit the metaphor into the origin...
FrauD: Shortskirt, do you know anything about this meeting with Director and Other Production Company that Big Boss was talking about?
Short Skirt: Yea, I'm coordinating with Director's Agent_asst.
FrauD: Ok. I should be in that.
Short Skirt: It will probably be on Thurs.
FrauD: Does Other Production Company know that? Because this email says Friday.
Short Skirt: They know.
Short Skirt: Should I check with Director's Agent_asst if she's coordinating with them?
FrauD: Probably. Because they aren't at the same agency. So she probably thinks you are.
CE: I renamed my iPod titanic and now it's syncing.
FrauD: Did you write that yourself?
CE: No, my grandpa sent it to me.
Worst Dog Owner Ever
FrauD: Hey BigBoss! Remember Music_asst? Remember her puppy? It just had puppies! They are so cute!
BigBoss: Awwww.... send those pictures to my wife... how much are they?
FrauD: Not sure... I can ask?
Runner: Don't ask.
Runner: Don't let him get a dog. Worst dog owner ever.
Semi-real lessons: Not worth the trauma
BigBoss’s wife is out to get Short Skirt fired, so naturally I have gone all mother hen on her and am all about team Short Skirt. The conflict arose the other day when Big Boss and BBWife came in, fighting. As is to be expected, Short Skirt was wearing one of her signature Short Skirts. There was a kerfuffle, (the one with the cunty emails from the agency_asst, actually) and Big Boss got...
You need to pronounciate.– Advice from an exec to a writer. Granted, the exec is known to be quite the goober.
Who woulda thunk it?
BigBoss: CE! GET IN HERE!
Short Skirt: We need you to tell us if this is a word!
BigBoss: *muffled sounds*
CE: No. It's a colloquialism.
Short Skirt: I TOLD YOU!
FrauD: What word?
CE: Thunk. It's not the past tense of thought, right?
FrauD: Thunk is not a word.
Short Skirt: I TOLD YOU!
BigBoss: But it's something people say right! Who would have thunk it?
FrauD: Yea. I think it's from a cartoon. Like looney tunes or something.
BigBoss: LOONEY TUNES! I READ IT IN A LITERARY PAPER!
FrauD: Don't bullshit me, what literary paper were you reading?!
CE: We can easily find the answer to this. *googles* Thunk is not a word.
FrauD: In the early days of radio and TV, Edgar Bergen (yes, Candace's dad) had a ventriloquist act which featured a dummy named Mortimer Snerd. Mortimer was pretty dumb, and most of the time when something was explained to him, he'd shake his head and say "Who'd have thunk it?" Source: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_origin_of_the_phrase_'Who'd_have_thunk_it'
Short Skirt didn’t put the address of a meeting for EVP and BigBoss in the calendar, because she thought they had been to that office before. Which they have. They have been going there for three years. It’s down the street from us. EVP freaks out at them at 11:05 because he doesn’t know where he’s going. If you don’t know where you are going…...
We sent the Runner to Starbucks to pick up coffee since our coffee pot is still broken. CE also ordered a breakfast sandwich. The Runner returns with all of our coffees, and three breakfast sandwiches. “Whose sandwiches are these?” “Aren’t they yours?” “No, we only got one.” “Oh. The guy put them all together so I thought they were all for...
Story Notes From Hell →
Oh hot damn, this is my jam
FrauD: I printed 4 copies of this treatment, will you bind them?
TheRunner: Only 1 printed.
FrauD: That's weird.
TheRunner: The printer kept jamming.
FrauD: It's still jammed.
TheRunner: Yea, I know.
FrauD: Right... That's why it's not printing the other 3.
TheRunner: It keeps jamming.
FrauD: So... call Xerox?
Short Skirt's Short Hand
We had Short Skirt do the Big Boss’s action list from our morning development meetings. Here are some of her notes: - Big Boss to call Financier of Project 1 re: Project 1 casting, Actor A for Project 2 Our response: Actor A is for Project 1. Financier of Project 1 has nothing to do with Project 2. - Big Boss to call Manager re: Actor B and Actor C for Project 1, Actress D for Project...
Lana Del Rey Tapped By Harvey Weinstein To Be A...
twism: Word on the street is that Harvey Weinstein has approached Lana Del Rey about a film project he wants her to star in. A source told The Sun that Harvey apparently believes that Lana has “the looks and a stage presence which will transfer well to the big screen”. Not too sure about Lana’s acting abilities — she is pretty impressive in her music videos though — but yeah, the lady does...
Short skirt: What did you study in school?
Consultant: I didn't really study much.
Short skirt: How do you know how to do all this stuff?
Consultant: You just learn.
Short Skirt: (sexily) I wanna pick your brain...
Consultant: About what?
Short Skirt: uh... I don't know... all the stuff... you do?
Traveling With Big Boss
Short Skirt is dealing with the Big Boss’s travel for the first time today. She didn’t have to actually do much of the booking, since the Studio did it, but there is still going to be trouble a’brewin. I have put together a list of tips for her: - You will get yelled at. Apologize, blame the Studio Travel Girl. I already established for you on the last trip that she is...
Guest Post: Short Skirt
Apparently CE and I missed this event yesterday, as told by Short Skirt: Big Boss was on the phone with Writer/Financier, on speakerphone, and W/F is talking, and suddenly I hear this … pttthhhhht… and I look in, and sure enough there is Big Boss, farting into the phone! Being all like, teeheehee!
FrauD: Hey... if you leave early, will you let us know? Because the Runner kept putting calls up to your desk and we didn't know you weren't there.
Short Skirt: Oh, I thought you heard me talking to the Big Boss.
CE: No, you need to come and tell us personally.
FrauD: We try to tune the Big Boss out when he isn't talking to us directly.
FrauD: Do you want a cherry?
BigBoss: Heh. Do you know what I was thinking?
FrauD: Something about sex?
BigBoss: You don't know what that is???
FrauD: What, popping a cherry?
BigBoss: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?????