Development Hell

High Tech

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 15:41:31 -0800

BigBoss: Do you have Executive's business card?
NewBigBoss_Asst: *scramble scramble through huge stack of cards Big Boss gave her*
Frau_D: Why do you need his card?
BigBoss: So that she knows his number. I want to call him.
Frau_D: We use the computer for that these days.

Bob Loblaw

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:13:52 -0800

CE: Okay. I'm going to practice the phones with you.
NewGirlReceptionist (O.S): Company?
CE: (into phone) Hi, it's Blabla McBlabla for Big Boss.
NewGirlReceptionist (O.S): Uh.... could you.... repeat that?
CE: It's CE.
NewGirlReceptionist: OH!

BigBoss: RUNNER! Time to go home.

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 16:41:48 -0800

BigBoss: RUNNER! Time to go home.
Runner: It's too early.
BigBoss: What time do you want to go home?
Runner: Later.
BigBoss: (In my office) Bla bla bla. C'mon doggie, let's go find Runner and tell him to go home...
BigBoss: ... Runner left! He just drove past me in my car!

So sue me.

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 13:56:48 -0700

BigBoss: How come no one's ever sued Scott Rudin?
Frau_D: Because if you are an assistant, and you sue your boss, no one will ever hire you again.
BigBoss: That's true.
Frau_D: That's why you've never been sued.
BigBoss: That's not true. I treat everyone with love. OK I'm gonna go now, so you guys can get back to masturbating.

EVP simultaneously insults Frau D and Short Skirt while showing Potential Investor that he has no idea what he's talking about

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 10:07:41 -0700

EVP: You know, Short Skirt, Big Boss has been sending me all these emails telling me you are on fire, you are just killing it.
Short Skirt: That's great!
EVP: Yea, it's such an improvement from the beginning. That was rough.
Short Skirt: Rough? Why was it rough?
EVP: Oh, you know, your demeanor.
Short Skirt: My demeanor? What was wrong with demeanor?
EVP: I mean, you weren't even trained. Like at all. You were just put on the desk. Most people have like months of shadowing and training. (Frau D was hiding in her office fuming here.)
Potential Investor: Had you been an assistant before?
Short Skirt: Yes.
EVP: But not to Big Boss. He has his own set of idiosyncrasies.

To Hurricane EDIT TO TORNADO

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 15:40:00 -0700

*Edit* My bad guys! It isn’t ‘to hurricane’, it is ‘to tornado’

(V)

The EVP and Art Director’s signature sex move, where they hold out their index and middle finger and make a swift, swirling motion, as with a ~~hurricane~~ tornado.

Eg. Bro, I was ~~hurricaning~~ tordadoing this nugget at the club last night, …

Nugget

(N)

A hot chick. Possibly derived from a hot chicken nugget? Also known as a roper.

Napoleon Complex

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 15:29:04 -0700

Big Boss: *Some kind of inappropriate comment*
Short Skirt: Gross, Big Boss.
Big Boss: What are you, Napoleon Bonaparte?
Short Skirt: Why?
Big Boss: Because of the way you said 'gross'.
FrauD: That's Napoleon Dynamite.

TMI

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 15:13:05 -0700

BigBoss: Do you know what a pink taco is?
FrauD: A vagina?
BigBoss: YES! Short skirt just told me. I never knew.
FrauD: How did you not know that?
BigBoss: No one told me.
FrauD: It's because your wife is black.
BigBoss: It's still pink.

Photo

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 09:30:16 -0700

WHEN I GET REAL WITH MYSELF

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 15:38:17 -0700

hollywoodassistants:

Compiled and Consolidated

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 17:00:11 -0700

In the ‘communication’ meeting earlier this week, it was announced that the company would be sending out a new weekly memo, where each person would write their highlights of the week and they would be consolidated into one memo to go out to everyone.

CE and I did ours together, because we are one person, duh.

Frau D: Just wondering who we should send our weekly update to to compile, or if we were just all going to send to the team individually? (I thought that we had said not to do that since it would mean everyone getting a million emails.)

EVP: You and CE compile yours together. We are just consolidating them.

Eh?

Main Entry:

compile [kuhm-pahyl] Show IPA

Part of Speech:verbDefinition:assemble, accumulateSynonyms:

abridge, amass, anthologize, arrange, assemble,bring together, collate, collect, colligate,collocate, compose, concentrate, congregate,consolidate, cull, draw together, edit, garner,gather, get together, glean, group, heap up,marshal, muster, organize, put together,recapitulate, unite

FrauD: Who should we send the compiled version to to consolidate?

EVP: all@company.com

HOW IS THAT CONSOLIDATED??

Two Divas, One Office

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 16:51:30 -0700

Frau D: (Here is some context to this story. The Big Boss had a lunch with this tack-tacular but very rich lady, which overlapped into his meeting with Famous Actress who might be a has-been... To impress the first lady, he brings the famous lady into his office while she is still there...)
Not-famous-but-rich-kind-of-reality-star: Nice to meet you! Can I take a picture?
Famous-Maybe-Has-Been-Actress: I'd rather not.

Literature

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 14:51:10 -0700

Short Skirt: CE, do you have any recommendations on books about writing?
CE: Depends, what are you writing?
Short Skirt: I don't know. Like stories.
CE: But, to what end. Novels? Short stories? Blogs?
Short Skirt: I don't know. What do you write?
CE: Screenplays.
Short Skirt: I'm surprised no one has written a screenplay about words like 'totz' and 'totsies'.
CE: I mean. Characters talk like that on TV sometimes...

WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS WHERE I SEE MYSELF IN 10 YEARS

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 14:17:28 -0700

hollywoodassistants:

"EVP, Had a great work out with NewMonkey. I think I wore him a bit out but I was impressed with..."

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 09:37:59 -0700

“

EVP,

Had a great work out with NewMonkey. I think I wore him a bit out but I was impressed with his technique and stamina..

”

- The Big Boss in an email to the EVP. You might remember that The Big Boss loves to ‘train’ people at the gym, and has offered to ‘train’ several professional body builders.

Apparently there’s going to be a communication meeting to discuss how the company can...

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 11:47:41 -0700

Apparently there’s going to be a communication meeting to discuss how the company can communicate more effectively. Naturally no one has communicated to anyone when the meeting will take place.

"I see this as an HBO series along the lines of Game of Thrones"

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 14:16:24 -0700

“I see this as an HBO series along the lines of Game of Thrones”

- The Big Boss. Game of Thrones is the new black.

Comic Con Take Aways

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 14:43:00 -0700

This isn’t my first comic con, but here are some hot tips that I have collected over the years for you to keep in mind for next year.

On Travel:

- Taking the train is infinitely preferable to dealing with shitty traffic and expensive parking. Especially if you upgrade to business for guaranteed seating.

- Splashing out on a fancy hotel room is the best $300 you should have spent once you are wandering around drunk at 3am and have to sleep it off in your car.

On Free Shit:

- Free shit always seems like a good idea at the time, but when are you really going to wear a glow in the dark rubber bracelet that says “I HEART SDCC”? On the other hand, you will probably treasure your ‘POW’ Swiss Army Knife and YouTube Tube Socks. So take everything, but cull it all before you leave the Con.

- You can and should spend zero dollars on drinks, but you should also remember to have lots of dollar bills on hand for tipping.

- You can spend zero dollars on food, but after a certain age four days of appetizers on minuscule plates is not worth the savings. Ditch the quesadillas and have a nice dinner at least once.

On Things To Do:

- Arrange your meet ups like it’s 1995, because good luck getting a text to send from anywhere near the convention center. Either pick a super specific time and place, or just plan to maybe run into each other at a party later.

- Avoid the heartache that is Hall H. Waiting in line for 7 hours to MAYBE get a seat to see the the trailer of some big movie is only fun to a select few. Instead, spend your seven hours between smaller panels, the floor, and the Wired lounge and then watch the Hall H stuff online, with a better view.

- Choose the masquerade ball on Saturday night over a third night of industry parties. The real fans are there and they are charmingly crizzazy.

Hey Team! The darling @Calisnowsurfer who did those two...

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 12:12:19 -0700

Hey Team! The darling @Calisnowsurfer who did those two fantastic @DevtHell comic strips has prettied-up the bingo card. So print yourself a new one!

Happy Friday

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 09:54:50 -0700

BigBoss: I want to do a specific development. With a memo.
FrauD: A specific development... meeting?
BigBoss: Yes. About our priorities. With a memo.